SAINT JOSEPH: NON-TOXIC MASCULINITY
Fourth Sunday in Advent, Year A
December 22, 2019 – 10:30 AM
Saint Cecilia Catholic Community
Isaiah 7:10-14 | Psalm 24:1-6
Romans 1:1-7 | Matthew 1:18-24
In the name of
the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, AMEN.
At our Christmas
Eve Sung Mass at 7:00 PM, I will have plenty to say about Mary, the mother of
Jesus. Today, however, the spotlight is on her husband, Joseph. Today’s Gospel
narrates the birth of Jesus from his viewpoint, whereas the story of the birth
of Jesus in Luke’s Gospel, which will be sung on Christmas Eve, tells it from
Mary’s perspective. Imagine two new reports about the same election, with one
presented by Sean Hannity, and the other by Rachel Maddow. Those presentations will be very different, I
assure you.
Not too much is
known about Joseph. He is not mentioned
in the earliest Gospel, that of Mark, and he appears nowhere in the Pauline
epistles, which chronologically predate the four canonical Gospels by several
decades. To understand who he might have been, we must turn to non-canonical,
or apocryphal material
The non-canonical
writings known as the “Protovangelium of James” and the “History of Joseph the
Carpenter” portray Joseph as an elderly widower whose first wife was Salome to
whom he was married for forty-nine years. With her, he sired six children, two
daughters and four sons, the youngest of whom was James the Less, known as the
brother of Jesus. A year after the death of his first wife, the Temple priests
announced throughout Judea that they wished to find in the tribe
of Judah a respectable man to espouse Mary, then twelve to fourteen
years of age. Joseph, who was at the time ninety years old, went to Jerusalem
with the other candidates; there God chose Joseph; and two years later the
Annunciation took place.
In those days, marriages
were arranged, not autonomous. People did not usually fall in love and marry
based on their feelings for each other as is the case in North America and
Europe. Instead, marriages were arranged between families, as they still are in
some parts of today’s world, particularly in Africa, Asia, India, and the
Middle East, where, in many respects, women are considered property rather than
people with individual rights of their own.
But despite Mary
being with the child of the Holy Spirit, the genealogies of Jesus appearing in
the Gospels of Matthew and Luke show Joseph as part of the biological lineage
of Jesus. The gospel writers did this to show that the ancestors of Jesus could
be traced back to King David. Indeed, you will recall that in several places in
the Gospels, Jesus is identified as “the Son of David.” This seeming
contradiction has been used by some people to question the Virgin Birth, the
idea that Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit instead of by the usual human
biological process. As with many things
concerning Jesus, I will leave all of that simply as a mystery beyond human
understanding as a matter of your trust in God’s love for humanity.
Today’s Gospel
has Joseph “betrothed to Mary.” Modernly, we would say they were engaged to be
married, but to fully understand Joseph’s situation, we have to consider the
marriage customs of the day. Not only were marriages arranged between families,
but betrothal was almost as binding as marriage itself. However, in those days,
a woman pregnant before marriage transgressed the community norms in a very
serious way. Things back then are not like today’s world, where in the United
States approximately forty percent of all children are born to unwed mothers,
and one in four parents living with a child in the United States today are
unmarried. But in the days when Jesus was born, a woman pregnant by a man
not her husband faced death by stoning.
With a pregnant
fianceé, Joseph didn’t know what to do. He did know that he was not the baby’s
father because he had not yet had sex with his bride-to-be. Again, the laws and
customs in those days were different from today’s America, where premarital sex
is commonplace. Joseph perhaps considered that Mary may have been raped or
seduced, and if that was the case, his sense of justice told him Mary should
not be punished for that. So he thought that
a quiet divorce would solve the problem. In those days, divorce was not done in
a public court as it is today but were proceedings conducted privately upon
the initiative of the male member of a couple.
However, there
is another possible understanding of Joseph’s situation. How about we look at
it through eyes of love, that is, meditating, perceiving, and expecting the
best in all things and in all people? God
always looks at humanity through the eyes of love. Love opens the door to many
mysteries. Through an angel, God rescued Joseph’s situation: Mary was carrying
a child of the Holy Spirit, who would be the promised Messiah. The angel told Joseph the child would be
called, “Emmanuel,” meaning “God with us” and Jesus, a common Jewish name meaning,
“one who saves.” These two appellations
for God’s Son describe the very essence of the incarnation, a God who became
one of us to deliver salvation.
The angel’s
appearance made Joseph realize that the child in Mary’s womb was conceived by
the Holy Spirit. Joseph was overwhelmed with the holiness of the situation and
the responsibility of being a step-father to God’s child and of being a husband
to His mother. Joseph was a humble man who didn’t consider himself worthy to be
part of that family. But the angel reassured Joseph that everything would
be alright. “Don’t be afraid,” the angel said, in words similar to those an
angel spoke to Mary at the Annunciation when she learned she would bear God’s
Son.
Joseph is among
the most neglected saints. Usually, when
we think of saints, we think of apostles, prophets, and martyrs, people whose
lives were marked by excitement and drama. But what distinguished Joseph was his
humility demonstrated when he accepted reassurance from God’s angel that all
will be well.
Joseph did not
set out in search of glory and renown, yet he was chosen for a more glorious
role than he ever could have imagined. When he met Our Lady, he was looking for
a wife, not the Mother of God. Despite the gravity of his duties, St. Joseph
never assumed an air of self-importance or vanity. He never grew puffed up at
this honor and responsibility; he simply responded with holy wonder.
Humility enables
us to recognize and act on the recognition of our true relationship to God
first, and to other persons. By this standard, Saint Joseph was a very humble
man. He recognized his place with respect to Mary and Jesus. He knew that he
was inferior to both of them in the order of grace. Yet he accepted his role as
spouse of Mary and guardian of the Son of God.
The lesson for us is that genuine
humility prevents us from claiming to be better or more than we really are.
Nowhere is this more true than in gender relations. The opposite of humility is
pride, one of the Seven Deadly Sins. Pride is at the root of what is called
“toxic masculinity”, the very opposite of the version of masculinity modeled by
Joseph in his relationship to Mary and Jesus.
“Toxic
masculinity” is the root cause of many of today’s social and political
problems. What is “toxic masculinity”? Traditional cultural masculine norms
that can be harmful to men, women, and society overall. Those norms
include dominance, self-reliance, competition,
homophobia, misogyny, greed, primacy of work, the need for control,
status-seeking, repression of weakness and control of emotions other than anger
and lust. Colloquially, such men are known as “macho types.” Deacon Sharon will
tell you they are found in great numbers in Texas.
Toxic masculinity can also take
the form of bullying of boys by their peers and domestic
violence like corporal punishment directed toward boys at home. This
violent socialization of boys inflicts psychological trauma by
promoting aggression and blocking interpersonal connection with other people.
Such trauma is often disregarded, such as in the saying "boys will be boys."
The promotion of
idealized masculine roles emphasizing toughness, dominance, self-reliance, and
the restriction of emotion begins in infancy through norms that are transmitted by
parents, other male relatives, and the community at large. In my own life, my
parents sent me to a boys camp, pushed me to join the Boy Scouts, sent me to an
all-boys school, and encouraged me to play competitive sports. I didn’t really
enjoy any of those experiences, but my parents insisted that they were good for
me because I needed to “toughen up and be a man” as the surrounding world
defined that role. I was told that I would as an adult become a father and
financially a family, roles I resoundingly rejected as an adult. I was
determined to be a man on my own terms.
Traditionally
prescribed masculinity produces violence, (including sexual assault and domestic
violence), risky behaviors like substance abuse and daredevil stunts, and
dysfunction in relationships. Traditional masculinity ideology" is also associated
with negative effects on mental and physical health. Men who adhere to
traditionally masculine cultural norms tend to be more likely to experience
psychological problems such as depression, stress, body image problems, substance
abuse, and poor social functioning. Toxic masculinity is also implicated in
socially-created public health problems, such as the role of
“trophy-hunting” sexual behavior in rates of transmission of venereal
disease.
Toxic
masculinity affirms character and behavior that is precisely the opposite of
that exemplified by Saint Joseph. He was
a man whose humility enabled him to accept personal responsibility for his
situation. His humility allowed him to be open to, and accept, the angel’s
message of reassurance. That lesson of personal responsibility is just as
extremely important in today’s world as it was to Joseph. Despite the easy
availability of condoms and vasectomies in today’s world, single men still get their
girlfriends pregnant and, unlike Joseph, they often abandon the woman and
child. Such men feel little to no attachment to the unborn child and expect
pregnancy and motherhood to not only change but ruin the girlfriend and the
relationship.
Why? Toxic
masculinity inhibits men from feeling the kind of emotional and attachment to
women and children that lead to better marriage and family. Toxic males see
relationships with women not as cooperation, but competition which the man by
right must win. So-called “real men” don’t show emotions like caring and
tenderness that women and children need at their most vulnerable moments of
life.
Toxic males who
are the precise opposite of Saint Joseph in positions of power wreak
substantial negative effects on those within their spheres of influence, such
as opposition to gun control, destruction of the social safety net, attacking
freedom of speech and the press, oppression of immigrants, taking away the
rights of women to control their reproductive destiny, and condemnation of
L-G-T-B persons. When toxic males are in leadership positions, their negatives
exponentially poison the world with their authoritarian personalities. Look at
President Erdogan of Turkey, President Duterte of the Philippines, President Xi
of China, President Putin of Russia, and last but not least, the current
occupant of the White House. Their followers may put up with them because the
economies in their country are good, but for followers of Jesus, no amount of
economic success ever justifies oppression of human rights.
Today’s Gospel
is a call to the world to change its concept of what men should be. If the
Annunciation narrative is to be accepted, Joseph had no role in the birth of
Jesus. After the flight into Egypt and subsequent journey to Nazareth, Joseph
fades into the background. We know nothing of his life after Jesus was born, or
how, or when Joseph died, except that he was not there with Mary at the foot of
the cross when Jesus died. In the life of the Church, Mary became far more
significant. The overall message is that male dominance of humanity is not a
biological inevitability.
Here at Saint Cecilia’s, women
dominate most of the liturgical, musical and social roles. On many Sundays, I
am the only guy at the Altar. The same is true in my personal life. My
physician is a woman with female assistants. Same for my dentist. My tax
preparer is a woman. Mechanics Bank in
Palm Springs, where Saint Cecilia’s has its account, is all female.
If he were here
today, Saint Joseph would be pleased. No toxic male could ever be married to
Reverend Deacon Sharon Kay Talley. She dislikes macho men with a passion. She
values men who are ethical, reliable, considerate, supportive, and
compassionate, who facilitate her life rather than dominate her. It’s not easy
to be her husband, but I try very hard all the time to meet her standards and
be Saint Joseph to her. Actually, being what she wants me to be has made me a more
successful person. I would not be where I am today without her.
From a worldly
point of view, Saint Joseph fails as a man. He is not wealthy. He doesn’t fight
the bad guys and win. Most of what he is can be described using words that
historically describe femininity: silence, caring, consideration, submission,
obedience, humility. His masculinity is one that safeguards, supports, upholds,
behaves with quiet courage and shuns the limelight. He sees no need to attack
womanhood or forcefully superiority. His masculinity bears little resemblance
to much of the chauvinist nonsense that often presents itself as Christian
manhood among our conservative sisters and brothers.
Saint Joseph
calls me and other men to masculinity focused on the needs of others rather
than the gratification of one’s own desires, appetites, and ego. You can’t
imagine Saint Joseph bragging to his buddies, making demeaning comments about
women or bullying other people. When the
angel says, “So, Joe, God impregnated your wife. Don’t be afraid to go ahead
and marry her,” he doesn’t bristle or get offended. He doesn’t drown his
sorrows at the bar, or go out and blow a bunch of money on a hot new chariot to
prove that he’s still the man. He’s a one donkey guy — and his pregnant wife
gets to ride the donkey!
A Saint Joseph
style masculinity is one that is mindful. Journalist and author Liz Plank, in
her book, “For the Love of Men,” defines mindful masculinity as a state of
being aware and conscious of one’s internal dialogue and behaviors, getting in
touch with the intentions behind one’s actions. To put it simply, the result is
that we become aware of the reason why we do the things we do.
Mindful
masculinity encourages men to look inward to remain connected to all those
things that make them a good man instead of the unhelpful sexist trash dumped
into their brains by the surrounding society. That’s what Saint Joseph did. In
choosing to support and protect Mary pregnant with Jesus, he both interacted
with his conscience and opened himself to God in the message of an angel
instead of blindly following cultural norms. Saint Joseph focused on
introspection rather than the surrounding world. Saint Joseph took
responsibility for himself and his family instead of the delusion of
go-it-alone.
Saint Joseph
offers an example for becoming a good man instead of a toxic “real” man. He
invites our world to look at what manhood is and how we raise boys. He shows us
what freedom from rigid gender roles looks like. His situation in today’s
Gospel demonstrates that gender roles oppress men as well as women and that
conscience and compassion, not rigid adherence to human social rules, must be
allowed to rule our hearts and determine our actions. Doing that will
ultimately bring us closer to God because, in the kingdom of heaven, human
rules will not matter. AMEN.
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